Soul Searching

When I talk to my soul I have to answer difficult questions.

But let’s start some time back when I rediscovered me. Do I have a soul? Yes I have a soul and she and I talk often to each other. We talk intermittently but for hours every day. She once asked do you know about the ragas of classical sub-continental music. Yes I know about the seven notes of the classical Hindustani music. She asked do you know every note is for specific time and mood. Yes I do? But why are you asking? I want to know why you have started your swan song when the time has long gone dear!  Listen to me carefully if you do not heed to my advice you will suffer and will get nothing but pain – a pain that will neither let you live nor die.

Well dear soul you have to answer some questions too. We always existed side by side but we never knew each other. We existed in two separate planes and occasionally came across each other but our interactions were seldom pleasing. I for one was not oblivion of your existence and you, as always knew me but never acknowledged. You are the soul and a superior being so you had the responsibility to find me. I am just a persona so how could I reach out to you? Why did you not find me earlier? She smiled and replied “do you think I did not watch over you”, I was just waiting for you to get to your base. Though it is late in the day that we have united but still is better than never uniting at all. I faithfully watched over you for decades and patiently waited and now you accuse me of ignoring you! Have you ever realised what are you without me? You are just an empty shell nothing more nothing less. Cherish me and thank me for coming to you.

After this strong retort I composed myself and respond to the ragas question. Do you think I am an ordinary being? I was an empty shell but no more. This world and its timings have to follow me and not I. I decide when it is time for a note. While I cannot change the physical universe but this is not the material world where we exist - timings do not matter. We are a universe apart. While the soul can exist without a persona but there is no existence for a person without soul. You are the essence and I am just a casing but together we are the universe. Dear soul do you still want to leave me? She responded angrily did I ever leave you alone that I will abandon you now. It is not me but you who ignored me and refused to acknowledge. I am here to stay but do you have the strength to face the world as a different person – a person with a soul, a conscience and vision? Can you live with this curse of having this ability to see through people all the way to their hearts?

Yes I know this is a curse. I know it is painful. I know it is a difficult road that will lead us nowhere nor will it ever end. But I have known nothing like this feeling - a feeling of being an exalted being. I am on top of this world and the world is moving the way I want it to. Just because I have a soul. I have the power to decide, see, think and act all because of you. Why should I not live with this honour of being a glorious mortal? Do you know you can lose everything that you have including your existence? Ah! What are you talking about? Do I have an existence anymore? When the soul and body came together I was extinct. It is something else not you not I.

She stayed quiet for centuries and asked one day again ‘have you realised what price you are  paying for travelling on this road that is seldom taken by? Yes dear I know I am in pain, enormous pain. The pain of revelation of the universe around me, the pain of seeing the real face of people around me, the pain of seeing humanity stooping to animals, the pain of betrayal, the pain of existence. But dear soul my pain is my existence. It is my life and it is what takes me to the next day. I am alive because I feel the pain. I won’t leave you and will bear the pain instead but will you ever leave me? Have I ever? You know what Omar Khayyam has to say?

“I sent my soul through the invisible,
some letter of that afterlife to spell;
and by and by my soul returned to me,
and answered, "I myself am Heav'n and Hell”

Once you pass the test of hell;I will lead you to heavens my dear!